A moment of insight into my autistic mind...

[Sarah Brown]

Not long after I found out that I had Asperger's Syndrome I wrote down these words to help me sort out my odd way of seeing the world, and my quirky way of defining life... some of these feeling are now just childhood memories some are very present...

If Random Words could define Asperger’s Syndrome…

“Perfection” is a box of new crayons. “Sadness” is opening my special box of new crayons and discovering them missing, used and broken.

“Nausea” is a kitchen painted blue. “Comfort” is a yellow house with white trim.

“Peace” is a landscape with no power lines. “Restlessness” is a television in the center of a room.

“Pleasure” is a house full of children and a backyard that resembles a zoo. “Loneliness” is the unwelcome quiet of a life devoid of living things.

“Calm” is seeing the bottom of the ocean without going under water. “Rest” is a day spent watching the clouds.

“Delight” is coaxing a squirrel to take a nut from my hand after sitting very still for two hours. “Patience” is the determination to wait for a blue jay to do the same thing.

“Purity” is life without plastic dishes, plastic toys and plastic telephones. “Weird” is what people think of my aversion to anything made of plastic… even this keyboard and mouse.

“Meltdown” is a feeling that throbs in my head when dinner is cold, my husband is missing, the kids are fussing, and he doesn’t answer his cell phone. “Confused” is the way he feels when my tears don’t make sense.

“Innovation” is trying to find a way to build a wooden computer with no wires, beeps or those tiny lights that don’t turn off at night. “Acceptance” is realizing that it can’t be done, and settling for the usual plastic type.

“Happiness” the being offered the freedom to just be me. “Graciousness” is defined by friends, neighbors and family who offer friendship even when they can’t comprehend all the quirks and struggles of my autism spectrum disorder.

“Wisdom” is knowing what to overlook, and when to be quiet. “Humility” is the act of overlooking someone’s faults and being quiet when you want to say too much.

“Honesty” is a conversation with a little child. “Faith” is becoming like a little child.

“Confusion” is a room with bright lights, high ceilings and mingling people. “Fear” is being alone in that room full of people.

“Headache” is what happens when too many people are speaking at once. “Heartache” is what happens when I find I am the source of their gossip.

“Disappointment” is what I have come to expect from those who thought I would be stronger than I am. “Acceptance” is what I long for when others see me try and fail.

The “kitchen” is not the place for my refrigerator. My “bedroom” is not the place for my dresser. My “living room” is not a place for a TV. My “office” is not the place for my printer.

“Convenience” is rarely a factor in my decision making. “Peace and beauty” always come first.

“Determination” is not giving up when a loose donkey needs to be caught. “Victory” is tricking the donkey into thinking that obedience was his idea.

“Lost” is the feeling of waking up on the wrong planet. “Imagination” is the path that leads me to the world where I belong.

“Invention” is the hobby of my wandering mind. “Wandering”, without losing sight of my goal, turns my journey into adventure.

“Adventure” is the result of believing that dreams have a chance. “Persistence” is being willing to keep dreaming until you wake up to the day that your dreams have become a big part of your reality.

“Rejection” is the emotion I have toward cooked carrots, nuts in my banana bread, and onions in just about anything. “Love” is what I felt when my parents let me eat my carrots raw, and left the nuts and the onions out of every recipe, just for me.

“Silly” is the mystery of high heeled shoes. “Happiness” is being barefoot.

“Peace” is sitting in a tree where no one can find me. “Serenity” is watching the ocean from the roof of my childhood home.

“Panic” is something that jumps up to frighten me when I am overwhelmed by the clutter on my counter top. “Relief” is the feeling of tossing all that clutter into a junk drawer.

“Laughter” is realizing that I might be the only person who associates fear with wet popcorn. “Bewilderment” is what happens when I can’t figure out what emotion is supposed to go with what experience.

“Comfort” is the sound of my husband’s voice when my heart begins to melt. “Devotion” is the reality of the way he treasures me.

A “blunder” is when we can find humor in saying way too much. A “mistake” is when saying too much hurts.

“Innocence” is believing that people I trust will always tell me the truth. “Brokenness” is when I realize that the ones I trusted in had a different definition of truth.

“Sorrow” is realizing that I have turned away friendship for fear of being hurt again. “Friendship” is what happens when someone discovers the real me, and doesn’t disappear.

“Strength” is taking a risk, outside of the company of fear. “Weakness” is the fortifying of my fears when I should be taking a risk.

“Pretending” is the game I often tried to play when I wanted to fit in. “Me” is the person that I am finding the freedom to be.

“Joy” is the thought of putting together a puzzle with my grandma. “Delight” is the memory of watching things grow in her garden.

“Therapy” is the company of a friendly goat. “Soothing” is the constant commotion of happy children.

“Fun” is studying ancient Egypt for an entire year, and “satisfaction” is making tiny fish out of clay.

“Amazing” is what my schoolmates said when I found each of them a four leaf clover within 10 seconds of glancing at the clover patch in the playground. “Invisible” is how I felt when I sat by myself at lunch and was the last child picked for the kickball team.

“Happy” was my childhood game of guessing that there were 537 dots on a blanket, 285 bricks in the walk way, and 390 tassels on the rug… without having to count. Ashamed was how I felt when my little sister told me my game proved I was “autistic”.

“Fascinated” is how I feel about American history. “Disappointed” is how I feel about not being able to travel back in time.

“Quiet” Is what I was for five years after my big sisters told me never to sing again. “Freedom” was what I discovered when I learned to sing songs to God.

“Literal” is the way I interpret the conversation of others. “Mixed up” is how I feel when I wonder what they really meant to say.

“Hope” is what happens when I offer a little piece of my heart and mind to the people in my world. “Satisfaction” is knowing that my quirkiness and honesty made you think or smile.

[Shawn Quick-Raflik]

I enjoyed this post - thanks!

[Lindsay Manfredi]

Thanks for sharing. :-)