Make me Laugh – Show me the FUNNY!

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Comment by Cissi Sherlock on November 21, 2009 at 4:13pm

TRUE, BUT TAKE HEED...

THINGS YOUR BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU:


1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your
carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.

2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I
was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.

3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have e taste ... and taste means there are nice things
inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of
gaming system they have.

4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in
your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it.

5. If it snows while you're out of town, get a neighbor to create car and foot
tracks into the house. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway.

6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don't let your alarm company install the
control pad where I can see if it's set. That makes it too easy.

7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows on the
second floor, which often access the master bedroom-and your jewelry. It's not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.

8. It's raining, you're fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock your door-understandable. But understand this: I don't take a day off because of bad weather.

9. I always knock first. If you answer, I'll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. (Don't take me up on it.)

10. Do you really think I won't look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside
table, and the medicine cabinet.

11. Here's a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids' rooms.

12. You're right: I won't have enough time to break into that safe where
you keep your valuables. But if it's not bolted down, I'll take it with me.

13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm
system. If you're reluctant to leave your TV on while you're out of
town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the
flickering glow of a real television. (Find it at faketv.com.)

8 MORE THINGS A BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU:

1. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my
best to never, ever look like a crook.

2. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.

3. I'll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your neighbor
hears one loud sound, he'll stop what he's doing and wait to hear it again.
If he doesn't hear it again, he'll just go back to what he was doing. It's
human nature.

4. I'm not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your
house without setting it?

5. I love looking in your windows. I'm looking for signs that you're home, and for flat screen
TVs or gaming systems I'd like. I'll drive or walk through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to pick my targets.

6. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It's easier than you think to look up
your address.

7. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh
air. To me, it's an invitation.

8. If you don't answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in.

Comment by Cissi Sherlock on November 2, 2009 at 1:26pm

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, I'm a little upset because my daughter
has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations..'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex???'

The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year.We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust.'

Comment by Cissi Sherlock on October 30, 2009 at 4:48pm

Happy Halloween!

Comment by Cissi Sherlock on October 30, 2009 at 4:48pm

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his
Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right
as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he
Receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your
Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the
Company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co..

Comment by Megan Danielle Morrow on October 29, 2009 at 1:58am

hahaha Holey Moley.kinda reminds me of Austin Powers

Comment by Cissi Sherlock on October 27, 2009 at 11:28pm

Muh sister is covered in moles. We used tah call her ole moley... Then she went down to church and got saved... So we called her Holy Moley.

Comment by Cissi Sherlock on October 27, 2009 at 11:26pm

Installing A Husband .smh.
Dear Tech support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and Noticed a distinct slow-down in overall system performance, Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which Operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0...!

Comment by Cissi Sherlock on October 25, 2009 at 2:17pm

"Son - now make sure he sees you - OK!?"

Comment by Johnny Patrick on October 25, 2009 at 1:14pm

Its him, it has to be him !!

Comment by Johnny Patrick on October 25, 2009 at 1:11pm

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